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Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 7/30/2009 4:00:48 PM
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catlady11
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My husband and I have been married about a year. We are both 48. Since our marriage began we have had our share of problems. We decided to start marriage counseling. Before the decision was made we were barely speaking to each other. I woke up during the night and my husband was touching me (in an intimate manner). I told him that he has NO RIGHT TO TOUCH ME WHILE I AM SLEEPING. He has done this before and confessed to me because he felt creepy about it. Previous to all of this I told him I do not like to be groped at - just brings back too many painful memories.
Although he apologized he still tries to justify it. He says, "I'm sorry, BUT I have needs", "I'm sorry, BUT you never want to have sex" (by the way, we did have sex 2 days before the incident).
I know marriage counseling is long over due. I guess I am looking for other people's experience or words of encouragement. I feel like I need validation for feeling the way I do about what happened.
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 7/30/2009 4:07:05 PM
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Mrs.Wifey
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From: The Gorgeous plains of Colorado
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Is he awake when he is doing it?
My DH has groped me in his sleep, he has absolutely no clue or recollection of what he has done. I don't really care, but it is really annoying when I'm trying to sleep. I think it would bother me more if DH was awake and aware of what he was doing...
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 7/30/2009 4:11:37 PM
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catlady11
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Yes - he is absolutely awake and depending on how deep of a sleep I am in he tries to go as far as he can.
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 7/30/2009 8:44:28 PM
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fly0950
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Maybe if your husband really has a need, he could wake you up. My husband has done that with me. Not very often, but I want to help him if he needs it. I don't want him taking care of things himself or looking at porn.
I can imagine that would be a bit unnerving to be awakened by that.
I think counseling will really help and get you both on the same communication page.
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 7/30/2009 9:32:55 PM
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Conundrum
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My husband has the right to touch my body whenever he wants to.
I suppose if I had been abused or something, and had bad reactions to that, I may feel differently. But other than that, his body is mine, and my body is his. If he wants to touch me (or be intimate), he's welcome to do so, even if it's more than 2-3 times a week. 
Granted, I'm not in menopause yet, so my drive may be stronger than others. But I don't think this is a drive issue; it's about fulfilling one's husband's needs, and that should be granted without reservation, IMO.
quote:
I don't want him taking care of things himself or looking at porn.
Exactly!
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 7/30/2009 10:09:26 PM
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sharonjef2007
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I also told my husband that no matter how I'm feeling, how asleep I am or whatever is going on, I'll do whatever I can to take care of him. I WANT him to come to me with those needs!!!!
He has not groped me in my sleep as far as I know, but I don't think it would bother me too much. He would just wait until morning and ask me to come back to bed after I get up to take care of morning business.
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 7/31/2009 5:46:12 AM
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manda59
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catlady
The important thing here is that you don't like it - it reminds you of past abuse. It must be difficult for you that he appears to be putting his perceived needs above your feelings (and your need for sleep).
I recall that you've posted before about difficulties you've been having regarding intimacy (here). You've said that your meds have affected your sex drive, and also he's often out at "recovery" meetings or work and so it makes it even more difficult for you to feel like being intimate. But IMO that's no excuse for touching you when you're asleep when you've expressly told him you don't like it.
Btw, I wouldn't like it if my dh did it to me. I can understand that you feel like your privacy and personal space have been invaded and that it makes you feel not safe in your own bed.
All I can suggest is that the marriage counselling happens asap. It would help if the person you go to also has experience in dealing with people in recovery. Have you had specific counselling over the abuse btw?
< Message edited by manda59 -- 7/31/2009 5:53:16 AM >
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 7/31/2009 8:09:21 AM
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Sideways
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
Btw, I wouldn't like it if my dh did it to me. I can understand that you feel like your privacy and personal space have been invaded and that it makes you feel not safe in your own bed.
All I can suggest is that the marriage counselling happens asap. It would help if the person you go to also has experience in dealing with people in recovery. Have you had specific counselling over the abuse btw?
I agree with Manda. I wouldn't like it either, and counseling soon is a very good idea. I try to take care of my husband, too, but he also shows respect for me by taking into account how I feel. In other words, it's not all about him. We are equals in this household.
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 7/31/2009 8:29:19 AM
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3cappuccinosmom
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1st, marriage counseling and counseling for you dealing with past abuse.
2nd, is he that desperate? I understand that with past abuse issues, women often don't like sex much at all, but men don't usually get married in order to live a celibate lifestyle. If you and he were intimate at other times, would he still do this? Or, does he feel that you find it icky no matter what the time of day?
3rd, though I don't like being woken up, I often crash before my dh does, and I've told him to wake me up if he wants a little loving. It's too important to fall into the pattern of insisting he musn't touch me.
The truth is, Biblically he does have a right. And I have a right to him. We are one body. Being married means neither of us insists on our way, but we're both working to meet the needs of the other. Sometimes that might be a husband understanding that his wife is simply kaput and keeping his hands off her in the evening, but other times that would be the wife understanding that her husband is longing for connecting and deciding to be a blessing to him even if it means she loses 20 minutes of sleep.
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"Yup, I'm in agreement with Maggie here on all of this" Manda, April 2010
The Ballad of Bad Biruk
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 7/31/2009 9:01:00 AM
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manda59
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From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
2nd, is he that desperate? I understand that with past abuse issues, women often don't like sex much at all, but men don't usually get married in order to live a celibate lifestyle. If you and he were intimate at other times, would he still do this?
The OP said that they'd been intimate only 2 days before.
quote:
3rd, though I don't like being woken up, I often crash before my dh does, and I've told him to wake me up if he wants a little loving.
Thing is, he's not waking her, he's touching her without doing that. And I know you have a very full schedule as a SAHM, and I am not saying that isn't work, but the OP has to get up and go out to work the next day, she can't afford not to be awake and alert enough to get herself there.
quote:
The truth is, Biblically he does have a right. And I have a right to him. We are one body. Being married means neither of us insists on our way, but we're both working to meet the needs of the other. Sometimes that might be a husband understanding that his wife is simply kaput and keeping his hands off her in the evening, but other times that would be the wife understanding that her husband is longing for connecting and deciding to be a blessing to him even if it means she loses 20 minutes of sleep.
Maggie, do you believe that you have a right to your husband even when he is asleep and can't consciously decide to give himself to you?
And, from reading the OP's other thread (that I linked to in my earlier response to her), it seems that he wants "connection" for connection's sake, rather than connection necessarily to her. He doesn't seem to be sensitive or available (or even physically present) to her at other times, and just seems to want to take what he wants when he wants it. I get the impression that, though the OP's sex drive has been affected by her meds (and by the abuse), she is prepared to try and accommodate him, but it seems that she is the one who is supposed to make all the accommodation and all the compromises. I get the impression that she is starting to feel like she doesn't matter much at all. He didn't understand why she wanted to have the bathroom door locked when she was having a shower, he seems to prefer being at recovery meetings or being at work than being with her, and yet expects to have his needs met when he wants them met.
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 7/31/2009 9:08:05 AM
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Sideways
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
2nd, is he that desperate? I understand that with past abuse issues, women often don't like sex much at all, but men don't usually get married in order to live a celibate lifestyle. If you and he were intimate at other times, would he still do this?
The OP said that they'd been intimate only 2 days before.
Exactly. Going 2 days is not celibacy. Men are not animals and they shouldn't act like it. The Bible I read does not give a husband the right to take sex against a wife's will, though she does have a responsibility to meet his desire for sex as much as she can. Groping her in her sleep is assault and it is not biblical.
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 7/31/2009 9:23:05 AM
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3cappuccinosmom
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quote:
Maggie, do you believe that you have a right to your husband even when he is asleep and can't consciously decide to give himself to you?
I have a right to wake him up.
And she did wake up, to yell at him. He didn't take sex, he touched her. I suppose he could have shaken her and said "Hey, wake up", but then that's a whole 'nother way to categorize him as selfish and bad. 
I did see that they had sex 2 days before. That doesn't say anythign about their normal pattern of intimacy though, and if her attitude is that it's distasteful all the time, then the act is just that, which isn't particularly satisfying to a man if he knows his wife feels that way. If he feels that he as a person is distasteful to her and his presence is undesired, he may act out in ways equally as unhealthy as her feelings about intimacy.
Of course, I could be completely and utterly wrong. I just like to give a perspective other than "Bad, BAD, horrible, selfish, evil man". Sometimes the man is a horrible jerk. Maybe this guy is one. It could be he is 100% in the wrong and the whole issue is 100% his fault entirely. It's possible. But too often people aren't willing to consider other possibilities than that. If the guy is a total rotten egg and is completely at fault, that's unfortunate because his wife has no power to change anything in the relationship, and might as well leave, since if he's that bad, she's obviously not completely safe either.
< Message edited by 3cappuccinosmom -- 7/31/2009 9:34:15 AM >
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"Yup, I'm in agreement with Maggie here on all of this" Manda, April 2010
The Ballad of Bad Biruk
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 7/31/2009 9:59:04 AM
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catlady11
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Thank you all for your replies. I think what bothered me most about it was that we were barely speaking to each other at the time and I wasn't feeling very "connected" to him so his touch did not feel very loving towards me - if felt more like being groped at. We talked about it again last night and he seems to understand how much this hurt me and he aplogized again WITHOUT making excuses this time. We are in the process of looking for a Christian marriage counselor and hopefully we will be in counseling soon.
I am very aware and understanding (thanks to Dr. Laura) of his needs. Recently, he started spending more evenings with me and I was more "available" for him.
It's been a difficult year for me in terms of adjusting to being married. I lived alone since I was 17 (now I'm 48) and I guess we are both having a difficult time "dying to self". We are both on the same page in wanting marriage counseling and working things out. We still believe we can have the marriage God intended for us - we just need some outside help.
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 7/31/2009 11:32:00 AM
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stampinlady
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quote:
I think what bothered me most about it was that we were barely speaking to each other at the time and I wasn't feeling very "connected" to him so his touch did not feel very loving towards me - if felt more like being groped at.
But typically men can be intimate right after a fight more often than women because we usually stew over things.
Glad you're going to counseling. Did you go before you got married?
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 7/31/2009 11:37:23 AM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: catlady11
We are in the process of looking for a Christian marriage counselor and hopefully we will be in counseling soon.
I would suggest you also find yourself a trained and qualified counsellor (doesn't have to be a Christian IMO) to help you work through your abuse issues. This should also help you with your recovery.
For how much longer does your doc anticipate you being on the meds, if it's ok to ask. (Is it Subutex btw?)
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"Manda – I can often skip posting 'cause she's got it covered!", sen10tious, July 2010
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 7/31/2009 12:58:10 PM
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catlady11
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You sure do your research Manda. Yes, it's suboxone. I don't plan on coming off anytime soon. My doctor and I thought I was ready to come off the subs but I ended up relapsing. For now, I need to stay on the medication.
I had Christian counseling for my sexual abuse and drug abuse (same counselor).
We made a mistake and did not have "real" pre-marital counseling. We saw the counselor I was seeing at the time (see above) for two 2 hour sessions. We did a "Enrich" questionnaire and was told by the counselor NOT to get married at this time. But we were in love, older, thought we knew it all . . .
Thankful that we are both looking forward to seeking counseling and healing our marriage.
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 7/31/2009 1:24:38 PM
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Consecrated2God
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I thought husbands and wives always touched each other while they were sleeping. It doesn't bother me--it would bother me if he didn't touch me.
One thing that might help is if you resolve issues before you go to bed at night. The Bible says not to let the sun go down on your wrath. If something isn't right in our relationship, we always take care of it before we go to bed. I can't sleep if we're not cuddling, and we can't truly hold each other and love each other if there is something between us.
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 7/31/2009 2:25:39 PM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: catlady11
You sure do your research Manda. Yes, it's suboxone. I don't plan on coming off anytime soon. My doctor and I thought I was ready to come off the subs but I ended up relapsing. For now, I need to stay on the medication.
hi catlady,
It was just that I remembered you posting about your meds before - the detail likely stuck in my mind as I have a close friend who has been in recovery for the whole of the two years I've known him and has been on subboxone (but is on methadone atm). I also know a number of other people in the same situation.
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"Manda – I can often skip posting 'cause she's got it covered!", sen10tious, July 2010
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 7/31/2009 2:37:34 PM
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Sideways
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Consecrated2God
I thought husbands and wives always touched each other while they were sleeping. It doesn't bother me--it would bother me if he didn't touch me.
Her husband has been groping her while she sleeps, against her express wishes. I don't think that's par for the course.
There's some pretty serious issues here beyond just a heart to heart, but it sounds like this couple is on the right track to recovery.
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 8/8/2009 5:08:46 PM
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a_sparrow
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If I did this to my husband, he would be afraid ever to fall asleep again without a locked door between us, so it really isn't just a male/female issue.
That said, I'm glad to hear that catlady and her husband will be going to counseling and working on these issues.
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 8/17/2009 10:34:20 PM
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RavensDesires
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quote:
My husband has the right to touch my body whenever he wants to.
I TOTALLY DISAGREE!! My body is MY body and my husband is to respect and honor my body. I am not his possession and neither is he mine. I know the verse about submission, and I also know the verse about husbands loving their wives as Christ loved the church and gave His life for it. I do not believe that Jesus would ever do such a thing!
Of course, i've had bad experiences in this area and may be somewhat defensive. i used to wake up and first husband would be in me and doing it from the rear!! Gross! of course it was over in 20 seconds - but then i had a mess to clean up!
i want respect and demand it. a person usually gets what they demand and will give the same to the other person.
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RE: Husband touches me when I'm alseep - 8/18/2009 3:16:50 PM
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Hazel2
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My goodness, I WISH my husband would do things like that! Our sex life has slowed down considerably and we've only been married for four years. He used to do things like that and I didn't care in a boundary sort of way, but I was annoyed at being woken up (I am a light sleeper ... no kind of touch goes unnoticed!).
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If he ever had such a need in the middle of the night, I'd be happy to help him rather than have him help himself... Everyone has different needs; we can't expect our spouse to always be on the same level we are. It's our responsibility to respect his needs, though he also has to respect your feelings. Counseling is a good start.
